So, today my flatmate was complaining about how I leave the kitchen in a mess every time I cook, and how she's going to stop doing my dishes, and all that. I apologized, because I think there's wisdom in avoiding unnecessary conflict, but at the end of the day when she finished doing her own dishes, and left mine, there was one pot, one plate, one cup, one spoon, one frying spoon, and a cutting board. Meaning that's all I had left unwashed, everything else was her mess.
After everything, I started to think about two things. The first is how all my life, people have complained about my lack of domestic skills. There's nothing I've not heard, from she's dirty to she's untidy, to she's lazy, and all sorts.
The funniest thing is I'm none of these things. I'm not dirty, not untidy, and not particularly lazy. I actually know for a fact that I am not lazy, because I know how passionate about my work, and about getting the best results in everything I do. However the things I do, don't include domestic chores. I don't think that I should be called lazy, because I prefer to not do domestic work, and even then every time I've lived by myself, my living area has never been dirty or untidy, or even messy. Everything is always in it's own place, and clean and tidy. Even my dishes don't pile up.
I lived with a friend and her sister one time, and she kept complaining about how I am lazy and dirty, because I didn't make the bed every morning or do the dishes, but the truth is that I always folded my clothes and kept them in a neat pile just so I wouldn't have them scattered, and I avoided the dishes, because there was always a huge amount of dishes to be done as her sister liked to cook, and when dishes are piled up, or there's clutter it becomes daunting to do. Basically I operate in a system. There's also the fact that they had a cleaner who came in every week, so I didn't even imagine that I would have to clean in the first place.
Another time I lived with a friend for about a year in 2016, and her mum who didn't live with us, suddenly developed the belief that I was lazy and didn't do any work, and was using her daughter, and all sorts of things. Truthfully in that house I barely did any chores. My friend would send me to the living room to chill while she did chores so I wouldn't be in her way, but we had an understanding. She had been my friend for a long time, and knew the areas I excelled at, and those that I didn't.
Just last month the girl I was staying with kicked me out, because she too said I was lazy, and dirty, and yada yada. Even though I consistently tried to do the chores. Actually that's not why she kicked me out. She kicked me out, because I preferred to go 40% on a cleaner for the cleaning of the new house she moved into, even though I planned to only stay there a few days before moving into my own house. Her logic was why would I pay a cleaner when I clean for people myself. I had taken my first cleaning job the previous day for someone, and was bare tired, and bleeding, because of all the stress from the work. Also God was telling me to rest, and I wasn't going to disobey.
My aunt's husband kicked me out at 1am another time, and the entire thing stemmed from the fact that they too believed I was lazy, and didn't do house chores. Funny thing is my sister had her friend living in the house with us, and they messed up the place all the time, and I was always at work, so I didn't exactly have a handle on the situation at home.
The common factor in all of these places is that I was in a position where they were doing me a favor, and I think that human beings generally have expectations of you when they're doing you a favor, even if they don't admit it outright. The problem with this is I'm a grateful person, but I won't worship you, because you're helping me out.
Which brings me to my second thing. People that are not at peace with themselves can never be at peace with you. They will always find a reason to fight you. Asides from the fact that all of these examples had expectations of me, because they knew they were doing me a favor, I genuinely think that these people had internal conflict within them, and I don't even necessarily mean this in a mean or bad way.
I started to notice this was the real issue with the girl I was staying with recently, and I've confirmed it with my flatmate. When people have internal conflict within them, and this conflict could stem from anything, they give you what they have. Sometimes it may be because all their lives they heard the same thing. For example the girl I lived with recently had heard all her life how she was lazy, and even while I lived with her, the friends she kept around her kept needling her about one thing or the other. Now she finally met someone she could say "at least I'm better than her" about, so she could only give what she had.
The other people mentioned also had their own issues, and looking back I understand now that it wasn't me they really had problems with, they just found someone they could put the load of their internal conflict on. At least temporarily.
Does this mean that I'm a victim here? No. I don't see myself as a victim, but I'm also not a defect or a project. I don't like house chores, and I probably never will. I'm not going to keep trying to do better at house chores, because the truth is if trying could have made me better, I would have been better by now. In all these years, I've tried to improve, and even in instances where I lived with someone and they couldn't complain about the house chores, because I was trying my hardest, they complained about something else.
Trying to do better at house chores to please people who are honestly battling inner demons would only make me reject myself, and continue the cycle of abuse, and I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to reject myself, or treat myself as someone with a defect or a project, so I don't do that to someone else. Better depends on purpose, and maybe my purpose in life just doesn't include being good at house chores, and honestly that's more of a blessing than anything else.
For me it's house chores, for you it may be something else. I hope you do realize today, that you don't have to try anymore to please people. Especially people who reject you. Not everyone's acceptance is a blessing, because a lot of them have rejected themselves. A lot of people don't give themselves grace or mercy, and when people cannot forgive themselves or have mercy on themselves it is impossible for them to extend the same courtesies to you. Every time someone needles you about something or tries to treat you as a project or defect, remember that Jesus doesn't.
Love, Yoma.
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