It's 2:51am in Istanbul and I've just finished editing my first ever filmed wash day routine. I'm particularly grateful for this because everything about filming and editing that routine proved a massive struggle. From having to go film in someone's house, to having to use their phone because no space on either of my two phones, to deleting so many things because I needed to transfer the video, and etc. Long story short I'm grateful that the editing process is almost over and the video will be uploaded today by God's grace.
I've spent a good part of today meditating and thinking especially on my sermon note of the day; Untouched by Bishop TD Jakes. Honestly don't waste your money on therapy, just listen to that sermon and it'll help you more than any therapist in the world can especially if you have emotional issues you are dealing with.
Something in particular leaped out to me today that I really want to talk about. I mean there are many things I thought about, but this one I want to share, because I didn't think it was something I was doing or that I did.
Do you substitute sex for love and liquor for life? If you asked me this question before today my immediate answer would have been no, because I don't even have casual sex or transaction-al sex, as a matter of fact I haven't had sex with anyone since November, 2018 and it's not something I even have to think about. I just don't care for sex on it's own that much. Truthfully I never really have. It's the reason why I need to have an emotional connection with someone to have sex with them. However I was going through some messages and saw that I may have been substituting sex for love. I wanted love, but I was giving pictures of my body not in the hopes that I'd get attention or affection, but I think I wanted to be seen, maybe appreciated, and put simply loved. The problem with this is you get to a point where you start to wonder "do you love me, or do you love what I do, and how I make you feel?"
Don't get me wrong, sex is a good thing. In fact I'm honestly grappling to understand what this really is, because I want to be sure if I sent them out of love or in exchange for love. Was I trying to bargain for love by using sex or was I trying to express love with sex? Which is why sex is a good thing, but just like fire it's only good if you use it the right way, and in the right parameters. The right parameters being marriage, but even though it would be easy to say this problem would be solved if I was married to the person that I was doing this with, (and maybe it would) because I wouldn't have this many doubts, I don't honestly know if that is the case, because I've seen married people who are even more broken. Marriage doesn't solve self esteem, or self doubt issues, or even loneliness. I think this is a personal issue that I need God's help to deal with.
Years ago before I had sex I used to be of the opinion that sex is too deep, and is something that you need a lot of emotional maturity to navigate. I'm still of that opinion, but now I think that you honestly should avoid pre-marital sex. It's not worth it. The emotional trauma and baggage it comes with is just unnecessary.
Sex to express love is great; when you're sure and certain that the person you're having sex with is not just there for the fun, but is down for the full ride, and will be there with you even when you can't have sex with them, and you've made a mess of life and things, and you don't look cute at all, and nobody likes you. However, when you have doubts, especially because said person has come close enough to see your mess and walked away, and they visit, but never stay, look at you and turn the other way, you shouldn't be having sex with said person, and doing so will be bargaining for love with sex.
On Valentine's Day I had bought a bottle of wine just to deal with the day. I didn't want to have to deal with my emotions, and I came to realize that that was just me trying to substitute liquor for life, because no one pitied me and had compassion on me. It all boils down again to being truly seen. When you feel like no one can actually see your pain, you can be around people and still feel very lonely. I wasn't alone on Valentine's Day, but I wasn't with someone I could talk to about what I was going through emotionally, because she neither cared enough, nor would she have truly understood my situation. The most she would have done for me was give me her own advice which would have been useless, because she would have been projecting her own experience on mine, and since all of us have been broken in some way emotionally taking advice from your girlfriends especially the single ones is a really stupid thing to do.
Long story short I'll be completely honest and say that I am still in the process of healing myself, and just figuring things out with God one day at a time. Right now I've made the decision to love myself by telling people that aren't in love with me, but are in love with my talent and what I do to get out of my car. If you're not down for the full ride, then I don't need you occupying space that other people who will love me wholly; mess and all are supposed to occupy.
I hope that you make this decision too, and I hope that it transforms your life like I know it will transform mine.
Love, Yoma.
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