Have you ever just felt like jumping off a cliff, but there’s no cliff to jump off?
The main reason I chose my house was because there’s no balcony to jump off. For some reason I knew I was going to need to not live on a top floor. Not just because I’m scared of heights, but because I knew I was in the most difficult season of my life I’ve ever been in, and the thought of jumping off the balcony and ending it all had occurred to me too many times, so the most important criteria to me when I was picking my house was that it was on the ground floor, and that it had a balcony. I’m not suicidal don’t worry, life has just been kicking my ass. I won’t kill myself though.
Do you know that people generally give you very very stupid advice when you’re facing a crisis? It’s almost like they assume that you cannot think up the cliches they have to say. Today alone I’ve had to calm myself so as not to lash out at a number of people who have told me well meaning rubbish, but rubbish none the less.
You know I’m never criticizing nollywood movies ever again. You know those movies we watched when we were younger where some actress, usually Genevieve or Omotola or Sandra Achums had a real life situation, a sick parent or sibling or whatever, and men legit refused to help them if they didn’t get sex in return. It always seemed like an exaggeration, like someone would know you desperately needed help, not for frivolities, for a real life crisis and yet refuse to help you because of sex. I still am stunned by it. Sex. Of all things. Sex. How long does an orgasm even last? All of 10 seconds? Anyway I’d rather jump off a balcony than have sex with someone to solve any problem.
Today I asked God why He asked me to do the very thing that has me in this position of frustration, because I didn’t even ask Him for it. I was however reminded of the Israelites and the Red Sea. How they romanticized Egypt, because they had gotten to the Red Sea and it looked impossible.
I’ll be honest I’m not exactly writing this so that it will help someone. I know it will, because I will overcome this, but I honestly just needed to vent, because I had reached a level of frustration that needed to be let out. I will write about God’s salvation and it will be motivating, but for now, it’s a post about how sometimes you move in faith to do something God wants you to do, and encounter ridiculous difficulty along the way. It’s also a post of me telling the devil that it doesn’t matter if he turns the heat up 7 times, and it doesn’t matter if God doesn’t save me from this situation, I will not bow. I will literally rather lose my life and all I have than bow to the devil and his temptations.
If God gave it, then it’s God’s to protect. I’m God’s possession.
Love, Yoma.
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