So I’m currently in tears, and I started to write a post, but didn’t want to disclose exactly what the issue was, so I deleted it, but I’m writing it again, because I don’t want to waste my pain, and hopefully in two years when someone is reading this in a translated language, it’ll help them if they’re in a similar situation.
I was thinking about a conversation I had with the man I love, where he said something that basically meant that we didn’t have to argue about it, because it was something that my husband would have to deal with, not him.
Remembering that conversation reminded me of the conversation I had very recently with someone who was my friend, and is also his friend, who asked me what I thought the outcome of the relationship would be, in a conversation that basically told me in the most polite way that he thinks I’m a bad person who’s making something out of nothing and elongating an issue, and being inconsiderate of someone else’s feelings.
I’m a very positive person, and I almost never remember bad memories. This can be an interesting thing, because you see things through rose colored lenses, and other people don’t see things the way you do.
Anyway, I started to cry because I was feeling very hurt and seeing why people would have that opinion of me and the way I chose to handle my situation, especially because of the memory that came today.
Then I remembered that my sermon note today reminded me that I cannot put my self worth in other people’s opinions of me, or even in my behavior, or achievements or anything external.
However I want to hammer in on other people’s opinions, because that’s where this pain is really coming from today. The pain I felt was truthfully because I felt ostracized, and like people had made me out to be this bad person and home wrecker. I felt like people had made me out to be the bad guy in the story, because they needed a bad guy, and I was the one everybody wanted to crap on, because people choose outward appearance, and people they consider profitable, even when they hide it under reasons like behavior.
You can say it’s not what it’s about, but almost every call I got at the time said something along the lines of “do you know who her family is”, or “why would he choose you over her when she’s more profitable for him”, so if you wanna say that its about my behavior I don’t wanna hear it, especially because when it comes to hypothetical situations on twitter or people you don’t know personally, your politics says something different. Tell yourselves the truth!
In the middle of my pain I realized that the reason I was feeling this pain was because I was sad that people couldn’t see me. They couldn’t see that I too was hurting and just doing what I thought was best for me. They had thrown so many rocks at me and assassinated my character so much that all they could see were the rocks (rumors) they had thrown, and their assumptions about my character.
After this came the realization that it doesn’t matter if they did or do see me, it doesn’t matter what assumptions they made and continue to make about my character. It doesn’t even matter how I behaved. It doesn’t matter that I don’t have the things that Lagos society thinks is profitable. What matters is that God saw and continues to see my heart. He saw every single thing that happened. He saw what I endured, the things I never shared with anyone, the pain I kept secret, and everything I did and why I did it. And He wasn’t looking so He’d punish me. He was looking so He’d reward me.
The one lesson this entire situation taught me is that I should never ever let myself get my validation from external sources. Not people, not my achievements, not my behavior, because all of these can be taken away with one ‘bad’ decision or can change their minds. The only person that will never change His mind about me is God, no matter what I do or who I am, and so that’s the only person my validation should come from.
It took me this long to get to this point, but what matters is I’m here now and going forward, it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of me. I know who I am, I know that I’m approved by the only One who matters and that’s enough for me.
Love, Yoma.
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