So I don’t know about most people, but I’m a highly dependent independent person. What does that mean? It means that I’m very capable of leading, taking care of myself, making things work, finding a way, making ends meet, but I’m also the type of person that needs to be ‘managed’. I need to be told to get up sometimes, to eat sometimes, to sleep sometimes, to get up and go to work sometimes, and random things like that.
So the thing about that is in the past Rotimi used to do all that for me, and while he did a really good job, the fact is still that he’s human and he’s not perfect. Neither am I. There are certain needs he couldn’t meet for me, even though he tried very hard to meet them.
That’s where God stepped in for me. I know that a lot of people see God as this BIGGGGGGGGGG invincible, unreachable being in the sky and He is, (Invincible not unreachable. He can be reached through prayer and conversation with Him.) but He’s also very very accessible and friendly and warm. The best way to describe Him is like a really really good father. Like exceptional father. Imagine the best dad you know, fictional or real, He’s better.
My relationship with God is the most precious thing to me, and most people don’t understand why. God meets all my random needs. He’s literally my manager. He tells me when to clean my home, when to call my friends/family, when to eat, sleep, rest, work, when to make a friend, when to leave one, when to encourage my partner, when to leave him alone, when to talk to him, when to let him talk, when to ignore him or his excesses, when to love on him, when to cover him, when to advice him, when to correct my sibling, when to apologize, when to not apologize, when to go out, when to stay at home, you get the point. I don’t know about other people, but I REALLY need this in my life, because if you know me you know how childlike I am.
The thing about it is a lot of people practice religion and so don’t understand that God really can be your friend. Your mainest G. And it’s not just a one sided relationship, I also have to put in work. I seek to understand Him. I seek to hear Him, to follow Him, I make sure I obey Him no matter how I feel about it. I try to understand Him, even though I know that I can never fully do, I try to understand what He wants me to understand about Him.
So for example, God can tell me not to do this today, and then tell me to do it tomorrow, and it can be interesting trying to obey that, because you honestly don’t understand it, but then maybe it’s because you have intense trust issues, and He’s healing that. The key I’ve learned is to obey without understanding.
I was thinking today about it while cleaning my house and rememberled when I went to the hospital in September, 2018 and the doctor offered to give me ovulation pills. Now if you know me or you’ve read any of my previous blogs, you know I struggled with infertility. Unlike every other woman I just didn’t produce eggs. My ovaries just weren’t working. Surgery, medication of every kind, (trust me I tried many doctors and different hospitals from Capitol Hill which is arguably one of the best in Warri to Naval Hospital to General Hospital(s), to First Consultant, etc.) specialists; every where I lived I visited gynecologists. Nothing worked. The symptoms were unrelenting.
Because of this and being told every time that my chances of having kids were slim to none, I desperately wanted my own biological children. Lol so badly that when my former best friend got pregnant she didn’t tell me and told everyone not to tell me until I confronted her at 5 months, and one of her reasons was because she knew I loved kids. It wasn’t her most prominent reason, but it was one of them.
Anyway so when the doctor offered me those pills, I had a choice to make. I knew Rotimi and I were having unprotected sex. I knew neither of us were willing to use a condom, or to stop having sex with each other. I knew that if anyone was capable of being a great father it was him, and I knew that if I wanted any man I’ve ever met or known to be a father to my child, it would be him, (He’s that amazing) and I also knew that there was a chance the pills would be good for my health, but that week I had listened to a sermon, and I somehow knew that God was warning me not to take them. Can’t tell you I knew the exact reason then, I mean there was a number of things that I thought, but I decided to obey God. I’m not going to try to be noble and tell you that it was because I didn’t want to trap him with a baby. The only reason I didn’t take those pills was because God asked me not to, and I’ll be honest it was very tempting. It’s one of the reasons being accused of trying to trap him hurt so much, because I actively made the choice not to.
A year and a half later, all I can tell you is that if I did take them, and went on to get pregnant and have a baby, I would have been very very miserable. The truth is a baby at that time would have hindered me and delayed my life. It would have strained the relationship with Rotimi beyond repair, and a man that’s mad at you cannot be a great father to your child no matter how hard he tries. I would have lost on multiple ends.
Of course I can only see that now with joy because I obeyed. If I didn’t I would have seen it, but from an angle of resentment and pain and anger. Now I’m just glad that God saved me from myself.
Why am I sharing this story? Because I’m hoping to help someone out there who needs to hear it. Whatever stage they are in with obeying God. Beginning, middle or close to the end. I’ve come out on the other side of my struggle so much better, and I hope this helps someone else too.
Love, Yoma.
Comments