So first things first, I want to talk about how grateful I am that I bought some yogurt yesterday. LOL I know it seems like such a random thing, but I didn't want to buy icecream, cause I bought some this week already and finished it in two sittings, and I'm generally careful about how much sugar I'm consuming. Anyway this morning I was contemplating going to the store to get some, because I really didn't feel like cooking anything or eating cereal, and I opened the fridge, and found yogurt! I'm so happy! LOL!
Anyway I wanted to talk today about kindness, and friendship. Yesterday I discovered something about myself re kindness, and today I've also come to another discovery.
Someone I met here, (a Nigerian man) has been incredibly kind to me for absolutely no reason. Tbh I think that he may have his reasons, but what's most important is that regardless of my response to his reasons, he was still crazy kind to me. He didn't have to be kind to me, he doesn't not know me from anywhere. Matter of fact he only met me, because I went to clean the apartment he was moving into, but I cannot begin to list the ways he has helped me repeatedly even after that day.
Yesterday I spent a lot of the time thinking about many different things, and I came to the realization that one of the main reasons I fell in love with the loml is that he's an incredibly kind person. Not just to me, although I've seen him be rude, but generally he's very kind. I realized that his kindness is probably the trait that made me fall in love with him. I also realized that during the rough times, what gets you through is the good memories. There has to be enough in your love tank to get you through the bad times. Now stop and think about your relationship. The question I want you to ask yourself is this: "Is there enough reserve in our love tank to get us through 1 year and 4 months of tough times, mistakes and craziness?" If there isn't my advice to you would be to start filling that tank up right now, and a good place to start would be with kindness, not empty grand gestures, just good ol' kindness.
I'll be honest with you, it won't be enough to get you through on days when you're just done with all of it. That part has to be God telling you not to quit/forcing you to not quit, but it will definitely help. On days where everywhere you go, you see them. Not physically, but everything around you reminds you of them, or a memory of them it helps if those memories are good. On days when you seem to have options, even if they're not horrible options it's those memories that fill up that reserve tank, that make you remember that your partner eclipses those options.
Today's discovery is that I struggle with extending or receiving friendship, especially from the opposite sex. I actually think it's not only the opposite sex, but I think it's more them. I met this young Turkish guy, looked no more than 20 who helped me with directions yesterday when I was lost and frustrated, and then took my Instagram handle. Today he's trying to be friends with me, and I find the entire thing annoying. It made me remember that I hate texting, hate the process of getting to know someone even as friends, hate all those things friends are apparently supposed to do. I don't think I've ever even liked them. Don't get me wrong, I'm kind, polite, and even nice. I'll reply your posts, have a conversation or two, but I most definitely do not want to be your friend. I don't know if it's a trauma response, but I really don't think so. I just don't like the work attached to really being friends with someone. I don't take friendship lightly, so when I'm in, I'm all in, and that takes a lot of work. Work that honestly I can't do for everybody.
For a brief moment I though that meant that I'm not kind, but that's very untrue. I'm super kind, I'm just not interested in making new friends, especially male friends.
Love, Yoma.
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