So this post is days overdue. I was supposed to write it over the weekend, but better late than never.
I want to talk about a couple of things, but at the center of all of it is men, and my struggles with them.
So I don’t think I hate men, but recently I’ve had to think a lot about my relationship with them. At the end of this post I’ll come to a conclusion and we’ll find out if I do or if it’s something else.
Recently I’ve found myself being mighty irritated, disgusted, upset and downright rude with men, and it all stems from them trying to chase me or me thinking that they’re trying to chase me.
Side bar: As I typed this sentence a text came in my phone and I had to remove thoughts of shooting someone from my mind.
The minute a man even attempts to talk to me on anything that somehow connects to a romantic or sexual relationship I get upset. I don’t even know why, but I do. I especially find it irritating when I let them know I’m not available, because my heart is with someone, and they persist. It grinds my gears so bad, but not as badly as when they try to talk to me about transactional relationships.
Sometime last week, someone text me on Snapchat and was asking me all sorts of questions, about my tattoo, my day, and I was really struggling to be polite, but at some point I just said “I’m not really interested in small talk”, because I had reached my limit. I found the conversation very annoying.
On Friday I legit told someone he’s old enough to be my father, because he was really trying it, and honestly I think The Holy Spirit is the only reason I didn’t cuss him out. Which is great, because he then wrote me long epistles about how I insulted him and I felt bad, but didn’t bother trying to correct his impression of me. I blocked him instead.
Saturday I had to stop myself from blowing up at my Landlord because not only had he been trying to get me out to eat with him, he kept texting me randomly about nothing. I tried my very best to convey my displeasure in a Christlike manner, reminding him that he’s married and wouldn’t want someone to be out there chasing his wife.
Now I’ll be honest with you, the only reason I was putting in an effort to be polite was because I had read a sermon note I wrote in November, 2018 by Bishop Jakes called “The odds against wholeness” and when I finished I was in tears, because I understood the root of the entire thing - bitterness. It’s a deep rooted anger at men. Especially men that are trying to chase me, because I think that they just want to use me for sex. Which honestly thinking back at all of these men is true. I don’t think they had any good intentions for me, but it’s not so much their intentions as it is what their intentions remind me of.
I’m learning to be polite to men, especially because they make a good percentage of my customer base, but I’ll be honest with you it’s a real struggle, because I find their behavior disgusting. However I don’t want to lose out on opportunities so I have to keep my attitude positive.
Another thing I’m struggling with is that I hate the fact that I have to concern myself with how I dress in order to not attract men. I’m not actively seeking out men, in fact I think we’ve established that I do not want them to pursue me, however I know that I have to watch the way I’m dressed, because I don’t want the wrong sort of attention. The only problem with that is even when I don’t show skin or my body, men still see me and see sex/sexy. So it feels really futile to me, and very restrictive. I’m however going to do my best to cover my body anyway.
Anyway I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t hate men, but I’m going to be very careful moving forward to not let the anger fester and I will uproot the bitterness that has me so icy towards them, so that I don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.
God help me.
Love, Yoma.
Comments