So I'm pretty exhausted right now. My body hurts and I'm sleepy even though I woke up from a long enough nap not too long ago. I want icecream even tho I ate a decent enough amount today. It's just that kind of day.
Today my flatmate dragged me to the big market in Aksaray with her to buy meat, because it's apparently cheaper, the only problem is that it didn't seem cheaper to me, and the money spent on transportation, plus the energy expended in carrying all those bags around and getting on different buses, and a train just seemed more expensive. More the energy than the money, because I don't mind spending money, but my energy and time are way more precious to me. She then spent a good amount of the time criticizing me and nagging, but at this point I'm used to criticism and I've developed a very thick skin such that it doesn't even bother me anymore.
Both of my phones are also on holiday, and it's very frustrating. One is touchy, and the other one is refusing to connect to the internet. So I'm pretty much unreachable. Although my flatmate gave me her other phone to use, and her computer so I can at least write, and I'm grateful for that.
I also reread and understood a comment that took me back to a memory of the first time I got truly mad in 2019, because I was accused by the one person who shouldn't have, of deliberately trying to sabotage a marriage. The new comment stung, and so did the memory. As a matter of fact it got me so upset I had to take a breather, pray and then calm down. It led me to a decision, because I felt very insulted. It felt like the proverbial last straw.
Fast forward to this evening, someone who asked me to come cook for him for a fee, started talking about how he likes me, and how he may start falling for me. Tell me why I just told him I have a serious boyfriend, and shut the entire thing down even though I have literally 0 lira right now? Why even after crying and making a decision to be done, I still couldn't bring myself to even consider the possibility of dating.
I'll be honest I actually cannot even imagine dating right now, and it's not as if my heart is closed, I just cannot do it. I didn't even realize how wounded I am by this whole thing. I came to the realization that it's not even about Rotimi. It's not that I cannot let him go, it's that I don't know that I have anything left in me to give anybody. It's that I'm so afraid of opening myself up again to someone new, that I wouldn't even know where to start, and I just don't want to give anyone an incomplete version of me. There's also the fact that I'm extremely picky with men in the first place.
People that have had their hearts completely shattered, how did you do it? How did you learn to get back up again? How did you finally manage to let someone penetrate the walls that you built? When did you realize that you had built walls? Because I thought I had healed, and even though I have learned how to love over the hurt, how to be kind even in the midst of tremendous pain, how to love broken people, how to forgive, I still cannot see myself ever dating anyone else again. I just don't see how it can happen.
The gift of love is my blessing, and I'm grateful for it. I will not ever see it as a curse, because the truth is God gave me the victory through love, but every gift has a shortcoming, and the pain of loving people who hurt you, and have the capacity to is mine. The pain of being insulted by the very people you poured everything you had into is the shortcoming of the gift of love.
Does this mean that I will not love? No. I will still love, because I will not despise my gift. I will love myself, and the broken people that are in my life, and heart, because God loves me even in my brokenness, and I may not have taken hold of it yet, but everyday I strain toward what is ahead for me in Christ and forget what is behind.
Love, Yoma.
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