You know something I’m trying to wrap my head around right now?
How I can be in so much pain, in tears because I’m tired of being hurt emotionally, experiencing inner turmoil because I’m trying to let go of someone and yet not sure if I should, wondering why I am still in this place in March 2020, and yet when someone offers me the option to date someone here in Turkey steady that will take care of me I don’t even consider it as a viable option. I don’t even wait for them to finish before I completely shut it down.
Do you know what it means to have bottomed out in your emotions, bank account, health all at the same time? And everyone thinks you’re making the wrong choice, and it’s not even about them, but you would feel much better if you were 100% sure you were making the right choice.
It’s so easy to say let it go, and I 100% wish I could. You think I want to be here? For fucks sake this is 4 years of my life. I don’t know where the fuck I expected to be at this point in my life, but it was definitely not here. I’m so exhausted, so tell me why I’m here enduring the pain?
I honestly am tired of going on the internet, and seeing something new to hurt my feelings. I’m tired of so much right now. Being broke is high up on that list. Being taken for a ride for things that at least when I was working weren’t a problem. Gosh the things I’ve done in the name of pursuing vision. I’m so exhausted.
Don’t let anyone tell you following God and the things He’s put on your heart is easy. They’re lying. There’s nothing easy about it, and I’m hella exhausted. I’m not going to give up, but I’m sick of all of this.
I honestly just want some peace. Peace, comfort, love, gosh I need love. I need to feel appreciated and know that I’m on the right track at least. I want to heal and just be happy again. To smile at my phone, because I’m getting cheesy texts or a bank alert. To have someone actually care about me and support me emotionally. I’m exhausted.
Yet in all of this I’m going to stop crying in a minute, and go work on my styling, find someone to encourage, and stay the course, because it’s going to rain soon, and I have to have my seed in the ground. I have to sow into my vision and that’s what the hell I’m going to do. I’m not giving up or letting go. I’m going to wait and trust, and keep going.
Love, Yoma.
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