Okay so after finding every excuse in the book not to write tonight, I’m finally writing because I realized I was giving excuses after all that Instagram scrolling after telling myself I was tired and wanted to sleep.
Today was tough. Lol I know someone that would say rough. Anyway I’m trying to figure if to talk about the day in detail or to just share what I’ve learned.
I had a very stressful morning. The breakdown in chest heaving tears type morning. Long story short financial woes. It was made worse by having to spend ₺60 out of ₺160 that I only managed to get the day before and planned to use for a specific purpose to open my door because I’d managed to lock myself out in a bid to pursue my neighbor to help me out with something.
I text my friend at that point and went into a rant/vent session that detailed just how upset I was with God and my situation and circumstance. I also needed financial help, and didn’t know where else to go.
Why was I mad at God? Well I’ll tell you.
So the very first message I took notes to around September 2018 was this message called Dysfunctional Comfort by Pastor Steven Furtick. Now I’ve come a long way from that time and I understand way more now, but it’s April 2020 and God is still revealing things to me that are connected to that message.
After my rant when I went about my day literally forcing myself to obey God in the middle of my anger, I spent the time meditating on His word and just receiving revelation while quelling my anger and reminding myself that disobeying God would be shooting myself in the foot. (I found out today that when I’m angry, I have to fight the urge to rebel. Thank God for mercy sha.)
I was really mad at God because I’m generally not a stressful person. I don’t like stress, and I don’t give stress. I’m simple at heart, and don’t really ask for much even though I like the nice things in life. I was complaining to my friend about how I had a very decent life pre September 2018. In every way I was (you could say) flourishing. Especially for my age.
Then God came and gave me all these big promises, and asked me to drop everything, and I mean everything and follow Him. To where? He didn’t say exactly. Just gave me instructions to follow, and hints on what He wanted to give me.
Now the journey from there to here has been fascinating to say the least. Long story short by this morning I was exhausted. I used to be a self sufficient person, mostly because there’s nothing I hate more than money related insult, (honestly I don’t even talk to most of my extended family members because of this. To be fair it’s more complicated than that, but I’ve forgiven them sha) and since April, 2019 I’ve had to rely on God’s grace, favour and human kindness to survive. It has been the most humbling experience of my life.
After all my ranting and venting, in the middle of all my puffing and huffing at God, He was still speaking to me which honestly is amazing, because the guts! Can you imagine? After everything He has done for me I had the effrontery to be upset? Anyway He reminded me of Sunday’s Sermon from Pastor Steven, but more importantly He reminded me of that first sermon, and how I may have been comfortable, but it was rooted in dysfunction.
Everything about my life was dysfunctional. It’s easy to romanticize it now, because things seem super difficult in this season especially for someone who’s used to control. My motives were shit, my relationships were shit, my knowledge of my identity was shit, and my decisions were terrible. My life might seem more difficult now, but I make much better decisions in pretty much everything now, I have and am learning to have better motives for doing the things I do. I’m aware of who I am in Christ Jesus, and I actually avoid bad relationships like the plague now.
Don’t get me wrong I’m not perfect. I’m still struggling with certain things. Things that I cannot say I understand, and that people throw rocks at me for, because truthfully they’re wrong. I still talk to God about forgiveness, and like every other human being I still need grace and mercy, but just because Egypt had comfort and feels familiar, just because I cannot see my way clear, just because I’m suffering and struggling doesn’t mean that I’ll go back to Egypt. I’m not going to give up, give in, stop short or quit. I’ll keep moving forward.
God will part this Red Sea, and I will walk on dry land, and the Egyptians that I see today, I will see them no more.
Love, Yoma.
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