Being single or in a serious relationship and preparing for marriage is an interesting thing. Especially when you’re trying to do it right and with divine direction.
Sometimes you tend to think that everything God tells you is or will be about your spouse. Every devotional you read, every IG(TV) clip, every tweet from your pastor.
Today my sermon note was “Hide and Go Seek” by Bishop TD Jakes, and it was a sermon for Men’s day last year. So I went into the day thinking that I would have to show the man I love tough love in some way, or give him constructive criticism about something.
As it turns out, it’s not him that I had to do that to. Although the day isn’t over yet, so you never know. It was my younger brother, Kesiena that I had to give a good talking to, and that made me realize that sometimes when you’re preparing for marriage, or when you’re a single girl hoping to get married, you sometimes focus too much on that one relationship you’re trying to nurture, and neglect other important relationships in your life. You tend to think that everything is about that relationship, and it just sometimes isn’t.
If that’s your approach, when you do eventually get married, you’ll find that you’ve gotten to your endgame, and then it becomes anticlimactic. I imagine that when you’re married, it’s not just going to be you and your spouse living in an imaginary world where it’s only the two of you, and you don’t have to deal with other people. You’ll have to handle other relationships too, your sons, extended family, your colleagues, your friends, and many other people, and you have to be a balanced individual that knows how to handle multiple relationships at the same time. Some days you’ll have to focus on those other relationships.
Something else I did realize is that when people are dating, they say things like abeg when I’m married I’ll do that in relation to things like fidelity. I’ve even heard people say things like it’s not cheating if I don’t sleep with them, but I keep them around as friends and go out with them and collect whatever I can from them. I find things like this funny, because if you’re hiding something from your partner, that involves someone else then you’re already cheating. Even if it’s a conversation, because if you’re asked about it, you’re going to lie, and one lie always leads to another.
I personally operate on a no lying policy in relationships. I’m human so of course I’ve lied before, but I try my best not to tell lies. What I used to do was omit completely, but some would argue that’s also lying. I’m inclined to agree more now. Although I wonder how that applies to things that happened in the past, but that’s a topic for another day.
Yes it’s a relationship and you’re not married yet, but discipline isn’t instilled in one day. It’s continuous choices that lead to habits. So if you think that marriage is going to automatically change a habit you’ve had for years, you might be in for a rude surprise.
I think that if you do decide to be in a relationship with someone, you should give that relationship your all. Everything that you have to offer no holds barred. Holding back shouldn’t be an option to be considered. Things like “what if it ends”, “what if it’s not forever”, “what if they do me dirty”, shouldn’t be at the forefront of your decisions, because ultimately they don’t matter. What matters in everything that you do at the end of the day is your character.
Whatever you do in a relationship, always consider character. It’s the most important part of who you are. I’ll stop here for now, I have to go shower, and take care of myself.
Love, Yoma.
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