There's a bunch of things on my mind if I'm being honest. I was initially going to talk about body dysphoria, then I saw some things, and got upset, but I'm not going to talk about those things, instead I'm going to focus on the positive.
So for a very long time there was always something about my body that I didn't like. It was just always something. Pre late 2016 I was on and off diets, because I was either trying to maintain my weight, or lose a little of it. Then I fell sick and lost a lot of weight, and I had also just started dating someone who ordinarily preferred thicker women. I spent the next two years + trying to gain weight.
Now don't get me wrong he never asked me to gain weight, and the few times I talked to him about it, he told me he was fine with my weight, but every time I told him I was trying to eat more he would encourage me to. So I knew he wasn't complaining, but I also knew he would have preferred for me to gain weight.
It wasn't all about him though. Yes I had fallen in love with the idea of being thick, but there was also the question of all the weight I had lost. I remember running into an ex lover at Sao Cafe. One I hadn't seen in at least 2 years, and he asked me if I was sick. I think I cried about it, because I had done everything I could, I just wasn't adding weight. Actually that's not true, I wasn't keeping the weight on. Every time I added some weight, something would happen and I would lose it back.
Now hearing all this, you would think that I looked awful. I didn't. A lot of the time, people told me how I had their dream body. To them I had the dream body, and to me I was too skinny. I remember one time someone actually thought I was being extra, because I was complaining or saying something about it, and she couldn't understand how I was complaining about the body she had to work to have. Funny thing is I thought her own body was perfect too.
Anyway long story short, I've finally gotten to a place where I'm in love with my body, and I wanted to talk about this to help someone out there who's on the journey to loving her body too, or who hasn't even started that journey.
The first thing I did is a lot of positive affirmations. The more recent thing I've done is to not have a goal weight or goal body. My current body is my dream body. I also stopped loving other people's bodies more than mine. All those Instagram baddies with the perfect angles, and sunkissed bikini pictures had to go from my mind as the perfect bodies. Instead I started to notice more women with my type of curves. Started to appreciate the little love handles, and the not so prominent, although visible hips, started to appreciate the women with hip dents, deep back curves, and high, not super big, but protuberant booties with skinny thighs. Falling in love with my breasts were easy, because my partner told me they're the most perfect ones he's ever seen, and even though I didn't like them previously I started to appreciate them.
I'll be honest and say that it helps that I have the type of body that is celebrated generally in media standards, but the point of this post is that I didn't even see all the things right with my body, because I kept looking for a there body, or thinking that other people had better bodies, and I've stopped thinking that now.
I look in the mirror now, and I'm in love with what I see. I don't think I need to eat an extra meal or skip a meal or do anything to get me the perfect body. When I do little practice catwalks for my styling videos, and all that I feel so sexy and powerful, and hot! I genuinely believe that I look amazing, and I'll be honest with you that's an exhilarating feeling.
So I hope you get to that point too. I hope you stop ogling other people's bodies, and start loving your own. I hope you stop thinking that you have to have a goal weight, or goal body. I hope you affirm yourself constantly until you believe that you are perfect in your body.
I also have to confess that I only got here with God's help and constant counseling and affirmations. Sometimes God shows you all the ways that you're not loving yourself, and then let's you know that He created you perfectly for all the purposes that He had in mind, so you too can see what He sees and love yourself just as He loves you.
Love, Yoma.
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